


Smells like home

by lokilenchen



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Coping Mechanisms, M/M, Sad Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Sad with a Happy Ending, Star Trek: Into Darkness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 06:13:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29431512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lokilenchen/pseuds/lokilenchen
Summary: This is how Leonard feels and copes while Jim is comatose after the events in Star Trek: Into Darkness.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy
Comments: 8
Kudos: 22





	Smells like home

**Author's Note:**

> I know it’s Valentine’s Day and there are supposed to be fluffy fics for that right now, but I feel sad because you can’t even do something on this day. That’s why I stuffed all the sad feelings into this fic.

It has already been enough, Pike’s death, Jim ignoring him on the shuttle ride, the Enterprise stranded in Klingon space, Khan, the Enterprise crashing down to earth and then Jim dead in a body bag in his medbay.

Suddenly the dead tribble comes back to life and the rest is like it is pulled through goo, as if it goes by in slow motion and at high speed at the same time. And Leonard is caught in the middle of it all. 

He’s by Jim’s side when he’s brought into the hospital. After that he never leaves the bedside. Watches the monitors instead of sleeping, controls if the machines are still breathing for Jim instead of showering, shaves Jim’s face to be occupied, does about everything just to forget the emotions boiling inside him. 

During this time Leonard is Jim’s primary physician and husband all at once. His unhealthy coping mechanism continues until Jim is fighting the intubation, until he is finally breathing himself. It’s the day Phil Boyce joins Leonard at the blond’s bedside. 

“Leonard, he’s breathing, it’s only a matter of time till he wakes up. You’ve done everything in your power and probably more. He’s on his best way to recovery while you are destroying yourself. When did you last sleep or eat or shower while we are on it?” Leonard feels the reassuring hand of his mentor on his shoulder and it brings him back out of the bubble he’s been living in for the last two weeks. 

“Phil, I can’t leave him, he needs to know that I’m here. Jim, Jim told me that he knew he would die alone, I just, I can’t leave. He can’t die, I need him,” the brunet doctor feels the tears well up in his eyes and he wipes them away. He needs to be strong for Jim. 

“Leonard, your husband isn’t alone, your crew, your friends are constantly visiting. But they are not only worried about Jim, they are also worried about you, about your health. They are more than willing to watch Jim for you, they’ll keep him company while you rest and shower and take care of yourself. Go sleep Leonard, if he shows even the slightest sign of waking up we’ll call you. But you won’t be much of any help if you run on such low energy,” Phil says, already offering Leonard a hand to help him up. 

“I’ll be back sooner than you might think,” he gratefully accepts Phil’s hand and lets himself be pulled up into a standing position. He is led to the door which opens, revealing Spock already standing there.

“This was your idea, wasn’t it?” He levels Spock with a halfhearted glare, not able to do more than that in his current condition. 

“I do not know what you are implying to, doctor,” Spock states.

Before the doors slide shut behind the first officer, he calls after him, “Please, Spock keep a close eye on my Jim, we all need him.” He lets a tear escape his eyes. The emotional part of him wants to stay, but his rational part tells him that his husband is safe with Spock. He risks on last glance over his shoulder, before leaving with slightly staggering legs.

It pulls Leonard’s heart into knots, entering the apartment, which has been assigned to both Leonard and Jim. This can’t be a home or even a space to live in without Jim by his side, filling every room with life and happiness and something so uniquely Jim. 

He still steps into the room, because where else could he go, the Enterprise is a wreck and he can’t show up in the hospital for the next few hours. Inside he strips down and gets into the shower, using the water rations, which are provided for them. 

The water beating down on him, is what makes him break down. The memories of Jim lying dead before him, the fear, the sadness, even anger, each and every emotion comes to the surface. Tears mix with the water around him, sobs wreck his tall frame and he sinks to the shower floor. 

“Jim, god, Jim, please don’t leave me, don’t leave me alone. I need you badly, I can’t live without you,” he whispers to himself, shaking, hugging himself, trying to calm himself down. It takes about half an hour before he has his breathing and his shaking hands somewhat under control. The water by then has turned cold, but he still feels slightly better on an emotional basis.

Instead of going to bed directly Leonard tends to his face, shaving the stubble that’s covering his face. His hands aren’t completely steady, but he still manages to get himself presentable again. Jim would laugh at him, steadiest hands in the fleet, but not able to shave without shaking hands. It makes him smile for the shortest of moments, before the sadness catches up, because Jim isn’t here to make fun of him, to take the razor from him and help him, to kiss him, to hug him, to just be here with him.

When Leonard is finished he makes his way to the bedroom of the apartment and how he wishes to be back on the Enterprise, his home, their home. He opens the closet and finds what he left back on the Enterprise, even some of Jim’s worn shirts are crumbled in the corners. He can see them on Jim and how he tossed them back into the closet, because they can still be worn. 

Jim was right back then, they can still be worn. Leonard takes out one pair of sleep pants and Jim’s latest worn uniform shirt and slips it on. It’s a little tight, but it smells like Jim, like home. Closing his eyes and hugging himself, he can pretend Jim’s strong arms are holding him close, that Jim is whispering sweet nothings, telling him that everything will be alright or just a simple I love you. Inevitable are the tears running down his face, leaving wet spots on the gold fabric. 

Leonard drags himself to the bed and lies down, whoever got their things here, also must have brought their beeding here, because it smells ever so faintly like Jim. Leonard bets Scotty beamed all their stuff here, but it’s only a secunday thought for Jim stays in his mind and heart, basically in every fiber of his being, the whole time. 

He hugs Jim’s pillow to his chest, buries his nose in Jim’s shirt and pulls the blanket over him, to have a remote feeling of security. Still shedding silent tears he falls asleep. The sleep isn’t a pleasant one, nightmares in the form of Jim’s dead body or Jim making him responsible for his death haunt him. 

His whole body is shaking and he’s disoriented at first, Jim’s not lying next to him and these aren’t their quarters, this is not even the Enterprise. It takes a while until it all catches up in his head. Jim's still in comatose in the clinic, the Enterprise is still a wreck and so is he; it brings the tears back into his eyes.

Getting up feels like way too much effort, but Jim needs him and he needs Jim, needs to make sure he’s still alive. Unsteady is what he feels, like he isn’t the one moving around the apartment by himself, like someone is steering him, but they don’t know how to do it correctly.

Leonard just feels out of it, he can’t be Jim’s doctor not today, so it’s not his uniform he’s putting on, but rather one of the oversized hoodies Jim likes to wear when it’s just them cuddled together in their quarters. 

The tears threaten to spill over once again, but he needs to keep it together. Jim's the one that got hurt not him; he has no right to cry, he has to be the strong one this time. 

Falling into an unhealthy routine is easy. He spends his day in the clinic watching Jim and holding his hand, waiting for him to show him those brilliant blue eyes, until he’s kicked out by one of the senior crew, he goes back to the apartment, showers, eats, injects hypo with sleeping drug (he can’t bear the nightmares), wakes up, gets ready and goes to the hospital; then repeat. 

His friends watch him with worried glances, but know they can’t help, the only thing that would help is Jim waking up and that just isn’t in their power.

It’s another two weeks later and Leonard just woke up when he gets the call that his husband shows signs of getting conscious. 

Putting on his white medical tunic, he runs all the way to the clinic.

He’s watching one of the monitors and sees it before he hears the gasp next to him. And then finally after a way too long time Leonard can see those wonderful eyes again, sees the life inside them; sees his life. He wants to shout at Jim that he loves him, that he’s a reckless idiot, that he nearly took Leonard with him to death, wants to hug him, kiss him, strangle him. 

But he does nothing of it, he keeps his face and voice as neutral as possible, fights back the tears and chokes out, “Don’t be so melodramatic, you were barely dead.”

It takes another long while until Jim’s allowed to leave the hospital, tests need to be done, hell Leonard needs to do tests, Jim needs physical therapy and enough time to recover. But it happens they walk to their apartment, hands loosely entwined between them and when Jim steps into the room it becomes an apartment to live in. 

Jim’s gaze wanders through the apartment and sees his clothes distributed all over the floor and takes the first reel look at Leonard. 

The next moment Leonard is pulled into a hug, it feels like coming home. Oh how he missed those strong arms, Jim’s warmth, his smell, his everything, his reassuring words. “Bones, I’m sorry I did this to you. We’ll be okay, we’ll work this out. I love you.” 

They cry together until there are no tears left. 

When they lie together in bed afterwards, cuddled together, limbs tangled, Leonard feels like they can get over this, that everything is settling into place, they will survive like they always do.


End file.
